Finally everything I needed to write down is ready to spill out of me.
It's officially 2012. When I knew 2011 was coming to an end I really thought I was going to come to this page and write a novel length summary of all the cruelties of that year. I do have that much to say. But what good is it to start off a new positive year by reflecting on all the negatives of the one that came before it? It is over. And the pains I went through are too. And the ones who hurt me are for the most part gone too.
I was pricked by one too many thorns this year. The sting from each damn one was the worst part. But I threw myself into that thorn bush. I was such a childish, foolish, little girl.
It is insane how much I learned this year. About myself, about human nature and who my true friends are.
It's just time to finally pick out these thorns from out of my skin. I'm not so childish and foolish anymore. I grew. I'm smarter and stronger. I'm done wasting my time. I am done playing with people, ideas and a lifestyle that I know will hurt me. I'm done running around in these thorn bushes.
I'm onto the rose garden now. I'll make mistakes and still be hurt in the future. But at least this time when I'm pricked by thorns, I'll be among the roses.
And it will be worth it.

“While I can’t have you, I long for you. I am the kind of person who would miss a train or a plane to meet you for coffee. I’d take a taxi across town to see you for ten minutes. I’d wait outside all night if I thought you would open the door in the morning. If you call me and say ‘Will you…’ my answer is ‘Yes’, before your sentence is out. I spin worlds where we could be together. I dream you. For me, imagination and desire are very close.”
— Jeanette Winterson

Where do I even begin.
Every single day I am reminded of another person I can't rely on. Or I'm hurt by another person that I cared for deeply. For the first time in a long time I did the one thing I avoid above all others, crying infront of my Mother. But I did. I broke down infront of her. I was fed up with everyone I knew. And I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was sick to my stomach over human nature. And she did one thing that I adore her for doing. She kept talking to me as if I hadn't even begun to cry. And it was a good talk. She made me stable again, reminding of things I really needed to be reminded of.
My Uncle has this saying, "Spend time with people on your level, or higher." People below you will only create problems for you and bring you down.
And my problem has been exactly that.
I fell in love with someone who even said himself that we came from two completely different worlds. I fell for someone who was never even mine. And until now, I fought for him to someday be exactly that. I am finally over it and moving on. Truth is, he came from nothing and is going nowhere. I was used, abused for everything I was worth. And then backstabbed. Not just in ways a lover could be. But in every way a friend could be. And that's what hurt the most.
And I became close with the wrong people. Jealousy made them bitter towards me. When all I wanted to do was win them over, please them, be there for them. Yet I was just used and betrayed by them too. And for what?
This Summer was a wake up call after a year of being hurt again and again. But I finally know who I can trust, who is actually there for me, and who isn't. Just in time to go back up North and face everything and everyone. And I'm more than ready.
It's funny, I would have never guessed that old lovers would come to be the true friends who are there for me, making sure I'm standing strong. And I can't lie. It was fucking shitty, it hurt more than anything getting here. But the real friends I have are as solid as a rock. And there's safety in that. And it makes it all worth it.
I smile at those who joke. They joke that I just have followers, not friends. But you know what? followers means I'm a leader. And yes, I've come to realize it is fucking lonely at the top.
But they have no idea. Cuz nothing about me is what it seems. It's them I laugh at.

I'm a pretty optimistic person. I can usually find good in the worst. But the one thing I struggle to find the positives in is our existence. What is the point of living when we're just going to die one day? Everyone we love will die. Everyone we hate will die. We all start off the same. And we will all end up the same. And we are all so incredibly insignificant in the aspect of things. So what's the point? Why are we here?
I used to tell myself my point of being here was how I effect those around me and how I aid the ripple effect within this world. But we all are gone eventually. We are all just merely here breathing, floating in the middle of a massive never ending black - Nothing -

So girls may cry over broken hearts, mean words, bad grades, broken homes. But I cry because I can't find the point in being here and being alive.

With that said, I'd never find a reason to end it or not fight for living as long as possible. And that's the irony, why fight to hold onto something you find has no point?

I'm pretty alone these days. A part of me embraces it. And another part of me resents it while simultaneously questioning it. Maybe I'm not as good of a person as I thought I was. I hurt people and rarely show someone that I care. There are some people my heart really bleeds for. But would they have the faintest idea?
It's all just rather sad. That right now, there's no one's company I'd really enjoy to be accompanied by. I just don't want anyone around right now.
I really hurt someone recently. And all because I didn't know what I wanted. Thing was, I thought I did. I never intentionally meant to hurt him and when the realization crossed my mind that I might, I literally almost had a panic attack. I couldn't bare to hurt someone so sweet. But I knew deep down that I was bound to.
You couldn't see it, but I almost started crying as we lied together. Because all I could think at that moment was how much I wish it had been him instead of you, ontop of me, in me. Will I ever be able to be with anyone that isn't him?

I'd be much less broken, much more open, and a lot less restricted if I had never met you. Our last night together before you left for tour, before I left to go back to Florida, you held me. Actually held me. Turned to me, pulled me to lay next to you. Put your arms around me.
What was that.
Was that you actually caring about me? Or just another way of leaving me with longing for more and regaining false hope?
It astounds me. I never cease to stop and fight for this, fight for you. Even after everything.

You should have seen me last night. Sitting on the edge of my bed, alone. Literally having a panic attack, short of breath, desperately trying to clear my head. I just thought that after the last really shitty thing you did to me I'd be able to rid you from my life. Or at least, keep you at a distance. But this happens, every single time you start to show me the slightest bit of attention. Cuz when you do I can't help but to feel important. I get a rush every time your name appears or is said. I am without a doubt hopelessly in love with you and there is nothing I can do about it.
So I began to panic. Because my heart was telling me one thing while my head was telling me the opposite. I literally felt like I was stuck in the middle of a tug of war game between children. I was being pulled in one direction while being tugged at the other end simultaneously.
And nothing is worse than being stuck. Especially in the middle.
The real panic came with the thought of hurting someone else that has become really important in my life. Someone who I want to be with, my head tells me to be with. But with you there, I could hurt him. Cuz I want you. I still want you. Despite everything. And some insane, unknown aspect of myself has some far-fetched, irrational thought that you and I could still potentially be something. That maybe this time, you and I will actually work.
Because I've made so many mistakes with you. And I've finally learned from them. And with that, I feel you'll finally see me the way you always should have seen me.
But that's just it. I have a guy who from the start, has always seen me that way. In all that light I can be. In that light and beyond it. He would be good to me, he would spoil me. He would be there for me and never hurt me.
You. I can't even say with the slightest bit of sincerity that you will do or be any of that for me.
Yet you're the one I am still going to chase after.

A friend of mine randomly posted this on his tumblr and all I could think of was how word-for-word this summed up my last serious relationship...

"when guys try to control a girls life it pisses me off so much. it pisses me off even more when girls actually let them. i’m going to make this really short and really simple:
no one should have control over what you do, what you say, who you talk to, who you are friends with, or anything else similar.
your life is just that, yours. you can do what you want. if someone really gives a shit about you, they wont make you feel like shit for living your life and doing the things you want. i’ve been with girls who did shit that i didn’t agree with, and didn’t do myself, or talked to people that i knew were shitty or didn’t like, but i never once told them what they can and cannot do. thats not a healthy relationship at all. that person is a selfish piece of shit and doesn’t care about you at all. they don’t deserve a second of your time. the only thing they deserve is to have the shit beat out of them.
never fucking instill fear on someone else as a means to control them. that shit is fucked and you should be dead."

REALLY. ALL ALONG. You were just a fuckin selfish person. You were and still remain the most selfish person I know. And this was from a completely unbiased outsider who doesn't even know you or how you were. So. I'm not the only one who sees what your kind of behavior really was always about. You could use the excuse that you were trying to look out for me. But that wasn't it at all. You had a motive, some beneficial result every time you were trying to persuade me in a certain direction. You harassed me about things. That wasn't you looking out for me. At all.

I've felt a lot like a failure lately. Not anywhere I wanted to be at this time, at this age. But I've always set higher standards for myself than I should. I've always been harder on myself than I should. And I know deep down I am going to be successful. I am told constantly that I have the brains, the looks, the charisma to get where I want to be. It is just so hard at this age when you feel so lost, confused, pressured to figure out what you are doing with your life.
The truth is we are so young, we shouldn't have to have it all figured out. No one does. And those who claim they do are lying. It's just scary not having a solid plan. But I guess that's why this time in everyone's life is the most exciting. The freedom, the independence and uncertainty.
The Summer is always a good time for me, now that my parents moved to Florida. It's an entire break from everyone I know. I barely know anyone down here and most of the time I find that to be the most appealing thing about this place. It's the only time of the year where I find myself actually taking care of ME. And it's healthy. Come May, I usually need it. Come August, I'm usually read to go back to reality.
But I still find myself thinking of you. And I've come to realize that what I felt for you was actually love. I had my doubts because of the way I recovered so quickly after you completely screwed me over. But I've realized I've just had so much practice, so many moments in life where I've needed to be strong. That no matter the situation, I always recover quickly. But the fact that it still hurts months later. The fact that I still think about you. The fact that I'd still let you under my skin after all the horrible things you've done. It has to be love.

You know, the only song I've ever written that makes me cry every, single, time I sing it.
Is about you.

I knew it was only a matter of time until Karma got you back. That's why I never took drastic measures to get revenge, I knew life would do the dirty work for me. I laughed at first, but then I felt bad for you. Even guilty for some illogical reason.
You no longer have the one thing you had. The only thing you had going for yourself. I should be happy. But I feel pity. I guess I really did love you. Do, love you? Did. Don't?
I'll never know. I just feel safe in knowing I still stand strong in never letting you back in. I guess I still wish good things for you despite everything you did to me.
It says something though. The laughter. Because I'm not the only one laughing. And if you see where the laughter is coming from, it's all your best friends.
That has to say something. Something about the person you are.

In my heart, you were more than golden love
And all I was to you was something to use
Darling hold your breath
This time I’m not coming back
In your hands all I did was sink deeper
But in mine babe you walked on water

Your eyes and hair, opposites on the color wheel
It was me who noticed the pointless details
Did you know I once wrote of you as perfect?
Now you’re the farthest thing from it

In the end all my actions to please
Were part of a fool’s garden of seeds
Yea those eyes they’re grey and dull
I never saw anything in them
And that false charm I can do without

Yea sure, the dirt on your hands makes you innocent
Of course, I’m just gonna forgive & forget
No you don’t need your friends
So sure, point fingers at them
Yes babe, let’s all just play pretend

Oh these big naïve eyes only saw what they chose
And those who have nothing to lose you should fear most
It’s true I once spoke of you as perfect
Now I’d be a liar to ever come close to claim that

"When you find a man
Who transforms
Every part of you
Into poetry,
I will beg you
To follow him without hesitation."

— Translation by Bassam K. Frangieh
and Clementina R. Brown


Reasons why I refuse to leave your side.

We finally turned the right direction. It's like we've been treading down this one road that never led to anything. It was just ongoing. Or rather though our legs were moving, the pavement below us never seemed to change.
I've had to rub my eyes to better clear my vision. Cuz it's looking a lot like we're going down a road that's finally leading us to something. Though I'm unsure of where it leads, the scenery has become ten times more promising. It's been like I've been trying to grab your hand, attempting to pull you towards this path we've finally turned down together.
Like I said, I don't know what we are walking towards. You don't either. And even if it's to a dead end, it'll be okay. Because finally there is movement.

God, I don't know how I am deserving of your every answer to my every prayer. Sometimes I don't even know if I am worthy of you even listening to half the things I whisper to you in the middle of the night.
But you're always listening. Always giving. When I am finally with you, I'm dropping to my knees and kissing your feet.
I love you.
And I love him.

Ironic that the night I post about our lack of communication. We have the talk we needed to have.

I met you this time last year. Snow on the ground then. Snow on the ground now.
It's only been a year and I feel like I've known you for at least three. Our mutual, favorite person said, "speak what we feel and not what we ought to say." And it's not that you don't follow these softly sung words, you do. You are the most honest and blunt person I know. So the problem isn't that you don't say how you feel. The problem is you don't say enough.
I'm finally realizing that the biggest problem here is the lack of communication. I wish I could get more words out of you, but you said it yourself you don't really talk to anyone. And I was wrong when saying your heart wasn't in this, because I know I have a place in your heart. A weird, sort of out-of-place segment. A place I can't yet put my finger on, but I know is there.
There's a reason that every time we see each other we end up sleeping together. And it's not just for the satisfaction of the act itself cuz we both know we can find it anywhere else with anyone we wish. There's a reason we choose each other.
I know my reasons. I wish I knew yours.

In my head I may think I'm invincible but my body reminds me I'm not. And I felt invincible this weekend, but now I sit here when all the fun and games are through, and I ache everywhere. I'm so grateful for the times I have with you. You made this weekend what it was. But it's all becoming more and more clear that all I am to you is something to touch. Because whenever we take what we take from one another, that's it. And the more I spend time with you, the more I see the male chauvinist within you. It's breaking my heart.
I embarrassed you infront of all your friends Friday night. I apologized for being so disrespectful. Even though you still kissed me after I hit you. Still held me when I went to hold you. Followed when I took the lead. Stayed around when you could have left. I apologized and you told me all you tried to do was calm me down because you know what point I was getting to. I suppose you know me better than I give you credit for. And I suppose it's time I actually started listening to you.
In disbelief I had to say, I don't understand. That you. You're always there for my most shameful of moments. And you say, "Do I bring out the worst in you?"
You do. You really fucking do. And now I know why every time I'm with you. Something goes wrong.
Either way, I was right. Nothing has changed between us. Even after I told you I wanted to be more than just friends. You're going to milk me for all that you can aren't you?
And I'm going to let you, aren't I?

Is it just attraction that still has you coming back? I wish I knew what it was. Because I know it's not your heart. It never was.

Boy, if only you knew that you are your own worst enemy. Your mind is your own destruction. It always has been and seems it always will be. You create these random, horrible ideas in your head that have no connection to reality. To what is actually going on or actually the truth. Your perception on so many things in life has always been so skewed. I thought you were a little more mature than this. I guess I was wrong. I never did anything to you. All I did was slowly push you out of my life because you were continuously bringing me down.
You were the one who wasn't loyal in the beginning. You were the one that continuously lied to my face. Did I ever do any of those things to you? No. All I did was feel suffocated by you. So as a result, I couldn't stand you. I couldn't help but react to your insanity, as any other sane person would.

And you think I'm the one who is self-centered? Yet nothing I write these days have anything to do with you, yet somehow you believe they all do. And with no facts to back you up. Talk about being vain. I never write about you. Frankly, because you're never on my mind.

I don't wish anything bad for you. You know I have so much on you that I could destroy you in a second. But I would never. You should know me better than this. I really just feel bad for you. Because if you ever do have an enemy in the future, you are going to make their job easy. You're going to destroy yourself before they have the chance to. They're going to have the luxury of sitting back and watching you do their dirty work for them.

Remember, I tried to be your friend. Even after everything between us fell apart. You just made it so incredibly exhausting.

Seems I am back to my usual routine of no sleep. I've wrapped myself in a blanket my mother gave me for Christmas. It is the closest thing I have to my Mother's warmth right now, and God knows I need her love and comfort tonight. I sit here at my hard desk facing a window sill that's supplying me with a bitter Winter draft. I have rearranged the furniture in this room. It looks different. But it's the same god damn, cold, box.
I am less than three months shy of my last "exciting" birthday. The following birthdays are always joked to be insignificant. But now, so is this one. I have no reason to be excited for 21 anymore because I've officially given up drinking. Since last May I had cut down a great deal. I had stopped completely for a while, slowly then allowing myself to drink how I pleased - just never exceeding my limit. But this time, I'm done for good. For a while. I need this.
Though there were particular incidents as my reason to cut down last year, this time there is none. No incident. Rather simply, a person.
Whether you and I ever manage to quit going back and forth and finally somehow become something stable. I don't care. I'm not just letting go of the bottle for you. I am doing this for myself.
Maybe you were just the extra push I needed for this to finally be solidified.

It would be cool if you wouldn't make it out like you even have the slightest clue of what is going on in my life. Cuz even if you do read my journal, you wouldn't know the half of it. So do yourself a favor from looking like an idiot, and quit acting like you know what you're talking about.
Awesome, thanks :)

In an incredible mood. I think this is going to be the first night I'm going to sleep like I am in the clouds where nothing can touch me.
I don't need anything. I have all that I need. Why wouldn't I be happy? Sometimes it takes the simplest things to open up your eyes.
;)

From the heart of the wonderful French writer Arthur Rimbaud. How I love your words and will forever follow them.

"To Whom shall I hire myself out?
What Beast must I adore?
What Holy image is attacked?
What Hearts shall I break?
What Lie must I maintain?
In what Blood tread?"